Thursday, 26 January 2006

What Australia Day Means To Me

Australia Day is a day for all Australians to join together in sleeping in until about 9.30 or so, followed by breakfast in pyjamas while discussing how hilariously bad Russell Crowe is at singing in televised Australia Day Concerts, whether he be singing in his Baaarnsey mode or his equally appalling Nick Cave manner.

After that, all non-unaustralian Australians should take this opportunity to slob around the house doing nothing in particular for a couple of hours, take a shower, get dressed and go out for a bit.

Then, those of us who love this great country of ours must return home and eat an Australian lunch composed of vaguely vietnamese rice noodle salad, and lie on the sofa to watch a bit of Judge Judy.

The mid-to-late afternoon of Australia Day faces every Australian with this solemn decision: which to go see, Brokeback Mountain, Walk the Line, or Munich?

Of course the one true answer which our nation expects every Australian to give, when our nation asks, is Munich. Before the film starts, if the people of Australia have a few extra minutes to dispose of, they may go to the baby animals shop and purchase a bottle of Catnip Spray for teasing the native fauna with later on.

After the movie ends, if it is viewed in an authentic true-blue dinki-di Aussie multiplex, Australians reignite the pioneer spirit by checking to see what is showing in other cinemas. If the movie in the cinema they choose turns out to be Keeping Mum, Australians must leave well before the end (or risk immediate deportation).

Little Aussie Battlers who then drive their cars somewhat aimlessly in a north-westerly direction will be rewarded with the spectacle of a plume of billowing black smoke pouring out of a warehouse and train station on fire, with bonus crowds of excited shirtless men standing on the footpath. It is not the Australian Way to have one's camera with one at this time.

Together as one, Australians will then drive about until they find a Turkish restaurant that looks OK, where if they order the set menu, they will be given eleven plates of food per couple. Although it is a national characteristic known and loved the world over for Australians to lean their elbows on the table, they should refrain from doing so on this one day of the year, as the tabletop is not joined to its base and may go sliding to the floor at any moment.

Australians then must return to their homes and watch the rest of Mad Max II on the telly - for if they do not, who will teach our traditions to our young and who shall carry them on down through generations to come?

20 comments:

Lucy said...

oops. I made lamingtons and listened to the hottest 100 and I'm going to see Kath and Kim on an IMAX screen tonight. I didn't realise I was being unaustralian... I did sleep in until 9.30, at least. Happy australia day :)

Scrivener said...

Can I just say that I adore this post? I want to marry this post, I love it so much.

Will there be an additional post on Munich? I've been wanting to write something on that movie for a few weeks now, but haven't managed it.

Lucy Tartan said...

I'm so delighted to learn that Kath and Kim have finally found a screen big enough to do their greatness justice!

Another Outspoken Female said...

Going to see movies, particualarly non australian movies seems to be a tradition for those of us proud to call Australia home. At the nova, in the afternoon, was the longest queue I have ever seen there and it bought back memories of similar queues at the Kino in another century, on this day.

Some patriots were moved to see "Mrs Henderson Presents", to remind ourselves we might be australian but are still part of the commonwealth, and were rewarded with much humour.

Bugger it, why don't we just rename it "Seeking airconditioning in public places day" and be done with it.

cfsmtb said...

Stuff on fire. Buildings on fire. Where's Henrik?

Lucy Tartan said...

Eric Bana is in Munich, so that worked out nicely.

I looked around for Henrik actually, but I don't know what he looks like. There was a kid about seven on a bicycle, I guess that might have been him. The fire was at the train station nearest to Pentridge.

cfsmtb said...

Batman! Used to reside around there. Probably a smoldering mx igniting in the heat.

Ampersand Duck said...

I'm with Scrivener. I want to get a refund for my Australia Day and buy one of yours.

Ampersand Duck said...

Oh... and congratulations! You deserve bigger and better awards, but 'Best Post' will do for a start.

R H said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
R H said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
R H said...

I do beg your pardon, it's not quite so funny after all. Yes well I have trouble understanding that goose, his voice sounds like it's coming up from a tomb. No life in it at all.

He follows me around too. Like Frankenstein.

So anyway you did get crashed on the scone for best post award. Good. But missed out on best Victorian blog person. Yes, well pardon me saying this, but I hope that'll be a lesson to you not to embarrass yourself at garage sales. You know what I'm talking about. I'm talking about indecency. Okay? So if you've still got that thing, throw it away over someone's fence. Someone you don't like. An old widow, maybe. Just to wake her up a bit.

So congratulations Miss Laura, and you are welcome to be disgusted with me anytime. And send me on my way.
Because in my career as a blog reply person I have sometimes been forthright! Yes! And blogpersons have been forthright with me. My word! But believe me, if I were ever offered dispensation, I wouldn't take it. Never. Because (just on the quiet) sometimes I get a little bit sentimental. And an artist cannot afford that.
Posterity doesn't like it.

Robert.
(Totally sober)

(Haven't had a drink for three days)

Galaxy said...

I did have a laugh out loud moment when I read your Australia day post. I tossed up between the same three films and went for Walk the Line. When you see this film you will, as an Elvis fan, have to close your eyes for a few minutes (I know this on the authority of Dr H who shares your fondness for him) but the rest of the film is excellent. Esp when Johnny Cash responds to people say who say that he looks like he's going to a funeral with 'Maybe I am' Heh.

Getting to and from the cinema was a bit of a chore, there seemed to be something going on that involved blocking off streets, flag waving and fireworks. I don't really know what it was all about ; )

Helen said...

Walk the Line, of course. Why do you hate freedom so much?...


Congratulations on the best blog post of the year! And for the benefit of RH, I don't think second place in Victorian blogs is anything to be bloody ashamed of!

R H said...

I'm always touched when people want to do things for the benefit of R.H. But I can't recall saying second place was something to be ashamed of. Well I could be wrong. After all, other people are always best at what I've said, what I should have said, and what I'm about to say. The truth is I say quite a lot, to myself, and them erase about 98% of it.

Kate said...

I e-mailed your australia day post all around my office yesterday and everyone loved it!!! you rock my world!

Aussie Yam said...

What a lovely post!!!!!!

Val said...

Great post! And thanks for the tip about not leaning on tables in Turkish restaurants.

Anne said...

Very, very good & funny.

Meanwhile, in New Jersey, we celebrated in style. The dear one had a veritable marathon of Aussie t.v., thanks to "Playhouse Disney": the Koala Brothers, the Wiggles (natch), and a special Australia-themed episode of Little Einsteins. Later, "Finding Nemo." I was amazed and surprised to learn how many of my 3-year-olds "friends" are from Australia! She's eager to visit.

kiramatali shah said...

Affiliate Marketing is a performance based sales technique used by companies to expand their reach into the internet at low costs. This commission based program allows affiliate marketers to place ads on their websites or other advertising efforts such as email distribution in exchange for payment of a small commission when a sale results.


www.onlineuniversalwork.com