Australia Day is a day for all Australians to join together in sleeping in until about 9.30 or so, followed by breakfast in pyjamas while discussing how hilariously bad Russell Crowe is at singing in televised Australia Day Concerts, whether he be singing in his Baaarnsey mode or his equally appalling Nick Cave manner.
After that, all non-unaustralian Australians should take this opportunity to slob around the house doing nothing in particular for a couple of hours, take a shower, get dressed and go out for a bit.
Then, those of us who love this great country of ours must return home and eat an Australian lunch composed of vaguely vietnamese rice noodle salad, and lie on the sofa to watch a bit of Judge Judy.
The mid-to-late afternoon of Australia Day faces every Australian with this solemn decision: which to go see, Brokeback Mountain, Walk the Line, or Munich?
Of course the one true answer which our nation expects every Australian to give, when our nation asks, is Munich. Before the film starts, if the people of Australia have a few extra minutes to dispose of, they may go to the baby animals shop and purchase a bottle of Catnip Spray for teasing the native fauna with later on.
After the movie ends, if it is viewed in an authentic true-blue dinki-di Aussie multiplex, Australians reignite the pioneer spirit by checking to see what is showing in other cinemas. If the movie in the cinema they choose turns out to be Keeping Mum, Australians must leave well before the end (or risk immediate deportation).
Little Aussie Battlers who then drive their cars somewhat aimlessly in a north-westerly direction will be rewarded with the spectacle of a plume of billowing black smoke pouring out of a warehouse and train station on fire, with bonus crowds of excited shirtless men standing on the footpath. It is not the Australian Way to have one's camera with one at this time.
Together as one, Australians will then drive about until they find a Turkish restaurant that looks OK, where if they order the set menu, they will be given eleven plates of food per couple. Although it is a national characteristic known and loved the world over for Australians to lean their elbows on the table, they should refrain from doing so on this one day of the year, as the tabletop is not joined to its base and may go sliding to the floor at any moment.
Australians then must return to their homes and watch the rest of Mad Max II on the telly - for if they do not, who will teach our traditions to our young and who shall carry them on down through generations to come?