Wednesday, 8 June 2005

Famous People Who I Once Supplied With Pants

In (approximate) descending order of famousness:

#1 Shane Warne

It was my honour and privilege to serve Warnie on two different occasions about three years apart.

The first time he was shopping with his wife for clothes for himself. In a rare team effort, we shop assistants managed to weigh him down with one each of nearly every checked short sleeve shirt in the shop. But for the bottom half Shane would only consent to take home several pairs of world-famous iron-free chinos in Stone and Sand (36 inch waistband.) At this time (circa 1996) the chinos actually came with a little tag featuring Warne's smiling visage. Pure marketing genius.

The second time he was doing Christmas shopping for family members, and just gave me a long list of kids sizes genders and ages to pick stuff out for. Needless to say, on neither occasion did Shane actually pay for any of his booty.

#2 Judy Davis

Judy bought a pair of high-waisted, tapered leg, button fly levis in a nice stonewashed mid blue. As I recollect I tried to get her to take a pink cheesecloth shirt as well, but she wasn't interested.

#3 Cathy Freeman

This was early 2001. Cathy stood in the changing rooms, twisted round to view her bottom in the mirror as it appeared clad in a pair of indigo denim hipster levis, flared below the knee, with a 25 inch waist and slightly-too-long legs, at 32 inches. "Do you think these make me look fat?" she enquired. We didn't. Such a lovely girl, in every sense of the word. After ringing the regional manager for permission we made her a present of the jeans, little tiny tears of joyful national pride leaking out the corners of our eyes whenever we thought of this. It only occurred to me recently that we could have rung up the regional manager a bit more often - and more creatively - in this way. If only we'd thought of it.

#4 Jimmy Barnes

Barnsey was another one on the J--- J---- gravy train, and went at the sky-blue, zip-fly, straight-legged levis 504s (the most working-class-man jeans ever created) like a pig at the slops trough. He also bought all the white Hanes t-shirts we had in the shop, and after careful consideration, finished off the outfit with a black leather belt tipped with a pointy silver doodad on the buckle.

#5 Phillip Nitschke

I can't remember for sure what Dr Nitschke bought. I was too busy looking at him sideways to pay very much attention. He paid with a Diners card.

#6 Max Gillies

Max was another one being tenderly assisted through the whole horrible man-buying-clothes porcess by a wifelike woman. I recognised him straight away but betrayed no hint that the cover was blown. He really wasn't enjoying himself that day, poor man. I seem to recollect that there actually was a small tantrum, badly concealed behing the almost-closed changing room door, at the illfittingness and expensiveness of all the jeans he'd tried on already. Max eventually left the shop reasonably happy, carrying a bag containing three pairs of the super-cheap super-ugly, high waisted, acid washed, baggy arsed Chinese made Wrangler jeans which we kept hidden under a table and only reluctantly dragged out for the really cheap and clueless gentlemans.

#7 Susan Renouf

Susan Rossiter-Peacock-Sangster-Renouf is another who graced us with her custom at Christmastime, going round the shop pointing at nasty things: 'This one.' 'That one.' 'Two of those.' 'Do you have it in gold?'

#8 Peter Van from Magic 693

This chap is probably my favourite "celebrity" jeans buyer. A nondescript middleaged man, accompanied by a pretty, petite, slightly faded woman with a delightfully Nashville-trashy air about her, approached the counter and politely asked to see some jeans. A few more sentences and I recognised those honeyed accents (from the AM radio in our car at the time.) On being asked if he was Peter Van from Magic 693, he delightedly admitted that Yes! he was! and he didn't know any young people listened to his radio station! We shot the shit about Elvis, Glen Campbell, Wayne Newton et cetera until they'd agreed to purchase a fearful quantity of horrible leisure wear. It was a Sunday morning so there was plenty of time for making the process long and drawn out. Then I stood at the front door and waved, goodbye!

More J--- J---- stories to follow!


Ampersand Duck said...

Superb list!

Zoe said...

do you remember all these details laura?
very impressive list

Brownie said...

Keep em coming, they're great. Waving goodbye to the civil Peter & Lady Van, but not waving goodbye to Susan, Lady Renouf?

Lucy Tartan said...

I do remember them Zoe. It's very boring working in a jeans shoppe.

NOT waving goodbye to ex-mrs-Peacock; probably counting the till to make sure she didn't pull some kind of overchanging scam.

Ben.H said...

Peter Van! He da man! That is cool beyond words. I wish Magic wd broadcast on the internet: I miss it terribly. Even though I had trouble telling the announcers apart.

Scrivener said...

This is fun, even though I don't know many of these people. So, this is the lovely and nice post, right?

Lucy Tartan said...

It is a bit hard to tell them apart, Ben, that's very true. Especially as most of them seem to work double shifts, a.m. and p.m. I specially love the ads too. They really know their demographic. Ads for pre-paid funeral services, granny flats, write-your-own-will kits, lazy boy recliner chairs that will tip you out if you're too old and weak to stand up on your own, services that will magically transfer your old record collection onto newfangled compact disc, etc etc. Also, Ozknits. "What a fabulous outfit Julie! Have you been to Paris again?" "No Julie, I've been to OZKNITS!"

If i'd known you cared I wouldn't have bothered carefully explaining about the AM radio in the old car and so on. Not many people fully appreciate the merits of Maaagic (da da da da da da daah) 6-9-3!

R H said...

R H appreciates the merits of Magic, and of all those adverts too. The girls here were thinking of getting me a recliner chair for in front of the computer, so they could tip me out when they wanted to get online. But now they reckon they'll get me a fighter pilot's seat instead, and blast me through the roof.
Well, I have to laugh; such funny little buggars. Mind you, I'm on the lookout. They could mean it. You never know.

Ben.H said...

They seem to have just three or four announcers who take shifts around the clock. It's incredible.

Ah yes, the ads. That bloke on the lazy-boy recliner spots intoning "It's a science!" or asking if you're "not so nimble." The best one was for cat litter, with a female guest screaming "We've got to get out of here!" followed by a smarmy announcer asking, "Is you house a bit phew-whiff?"

The creepiest is Bud Tingwell asking you to give generously to the Spastic Society... by remembering them in your will.

dani said...

Very cool anecdotes. I have never thought before about all the people who must come into daily contact with "celebrities" - it's a wonder we don't hear more things like this all the time.

Mallrat said...

Jesus christ, Laura and Ben! I have a totally different mental piccie of what you look like now that I know you're hard-core magic fans! how the fuck did you recognise that jock, Laura? and i doubt i woudl h ave recognised nitschke either.

hey a thread about ageing djs? cool! john peters, "and now we're taking a call from peter in danenong, dande schlong!"

fluffy said...

Max Gillies wife type person is someone I've worked with and one of the loveliest people around.

elsewhere said...

>I can't remember for sure what Dr Nitschke bought. I was too busy looking at him sideways to pay very much attention.<

Whatever Dr Nitschke bought, it was probably far less important to him than the plastic bag you put it in.

Judy David in high-waisted jeans? Somehow that figures.