Monday, 4 December 2006

Gift Ideas for the Cheap and Grossly Insensitive Husband

I don't know whether to be cross with the University bookshop for actually stocking this item I purchased on Friday, or to cheer them for marking it down to 50c and throwing it unceremoniously into the Sale Bin of Shame. Probably the latter, on balance, since I now have a piece of sterling and seasonally appropriate blog fodder which will require very little glossing on my part in order to bring out its heady and pungent delights.

The "book of coupons" gift is somewhat on the nose to begin with, unless it's a custom made Mothers Day present from your ten year old or something. No excuses for giving someone a preprinted set, and absolutely no excuses for actually presenting your significant other with something labelled "For My Lady."

The first page reads:

For My Lady .............
I honour you with these
Gifts of Love.

Valid for one (1)
year from date of receipt.


The first coupon is fairly tame.

But the second one begins to give the game away.

Sorry who exactly is getting a treat here? How nice is that "to the best of my ability"? i.e., "I will have sex with you, but only until I want to go to sleep."

The high standard of graphic design achieved in these two examples doesn't vary in the rest of the book so I didn't bother with any more pictures.

Subsequent coupons:

"VALID for one win to an argument, discussion, or fight, without recrimination."

"VALID for one (1) day of receiving compliments or flowers, without it having to be a special occasion."

"VALID for an evening together at a restaurant of your choice - my treat!"

"VALID for a cultural afternoon together at an art gallery or museum of your choice."

"VALID for a day void of any personal criticisms from my big mouth."

"VALID for one (1) neck or foot massage after a hard day."

It's great how the Lady gets "one (1)" voucher for all these treats. Every other day she just has to suck it up.

"VALID for a new hair style or perm - my shout."

Every girl's dream. Hands up ladies whose owners men have shouted them a perm recently...

"VALID for one (1) new set of lingerie, or outfit."

See again coupon #2. Also note no mention of shouting here.

And then, an unbroken run of awesomeness....

"VALID for one (1) sit down and relax tonight while I cook dinner (or I'll order take away delivered if that's too risky!)"

"VALID for one (1) night where you have jurisdiction over the T.V. remote control."

"VALID for one (1) get out of annoying chore, if asked."

"VALID for a night just talking with the T.V. turned off."

"VALID for getting my undivided attention if there is something you think we need to discuss."

The last two vouchers in the book are blanks "to be filled in as desired." I imagine most recipients use these to ask for a proper gift next Christmas and next birthday. Or else to ask for a divorce.


Phantom Scribbler said...

My husband says I'm not allowed to ask you to marry me. But maybe he'll give me a coupon allowing it for a limited time.

Tim "Ward Cleaver" Sterne said...

My wife wanted to comment on this post but I wouldn't let her - she's already used her "Valid for one (1) blog comment independent of my approval" voucher for this year.

kate said...

I got a homemade voucher for dinner in a fancy place last year. We still haven't been, mostly because I'll be buggered if I'm going to a French restaurant when I can't have several glasses of French plonk, or the cheeses or any of the other things on the list of 'not for pregnant ladies'. Otherwise the voucher was good.

These vouchers on the other hand, are crap. But I feel very little sympathy for women who marry men who think one night of conversation without the telly on in twelve months is something they would suffer through.

Ampersand Duck said...

I think you should give it to Baz to use with you.

Mindy said...

This post has left me feeling immensely relieved that I married my husband and not the previous boyfriend (never any danger of that really) who would have thought that that book was a really good idea. Phew, that was a lucky escape.

Mark Lawrence said...

On a different topic, happy birthday for yesterday.

Hope you had a coupon 'Valid for one day away from all blogging.'

Mark Lawrence said...

In case you're wondering how I knew, no, I'm not a stalker.

lucy tartan said...

Thanks Mark!

Brownie said...

The Uni bookshop valued that item correctly I think.
If the pages are a nice sturdy 250 gsm paper stock then it would be good for shopping lists.
I want to track down and torture an 'author who thinks, as kate remarked above, that "one night of partner conversation without the telly on in twelve months is something the man would 'suffer' through".

I do hope your birthday was marked with happiness food wine and presents.

Ampersand Duck said...

Ooh, I knew it was around this time. I hope you got something nicer than a voucher.

lucy tartan said...

Yes I did. The excellent family crashed through splendidly.

Brownie, shopping lists is a great idea, thank you. I was wondering what to do with it. I had only got as far as hiding it under the big pile of weekend papers on the kitchen table, way down the bottom along with the Leunig Calendar that came free with Saturday's Age.

Kate said...

Happy birthday Laura! I have already done my '!!!!!' thing at LP so I'll spare you a second round of me being flabbergasted at such a silly book.

Zoe said...

Happy birthday to you and Julianne Moore. I was going to say Darryl Hannah but it won't let me do strikethrough.

jac said...

How can the front cover say, "The Gift that Keeps on Giving"? Each coupon is only valid for one (1) use.

And I would take the 'cocktails and dancing' voucher and piss off for the night without him.

lucy tartan said...

Oh, me too.

Scrivener said...

How could a book of these make it through the publication process? Oy.

I think I read those last two coupons differently, though: wouldn't the guy fill in the last two coupons for his "Lady"? Because the kind of guy who might give these as a gifts is obviously not going to allow open-ended requests, right?

Happy Birthday!

Cozalcoatl said...

I've only seen two episodes of "Little Britian" but I can never say or think the word 'Lady' without a crossdressing inflection.

Hey was your birthday on Sunday aswell? Are you are as sooo very old as me?...Happy Birthday!

worldpeace and a speedboat said...

you beat me to it Coz! December is a most auspicious ForBattle month. glad you had a good one Laura!

lucy tartan said...

I think you are right Scrivener.

It's very Little Britain Coz. And we are exactly the same (old) age.

R H said...

Happy birthday, you funny thing.

I won't say what coupons I want.

dogpossum said...

happy birthday, dood!

Ariel said...

I once worked in a bookshop that sold those coupons. They were, I'm afraid, a bit more of a hot item than at La Trobe uni bookshop. We also stocked a book called 'How to Date Young Women for Men Over 35'. It was, to be fair, a customer order that was never actually purchased.

jo(e) said...

The coupons have left me speechless.

But happy birthday!

worldpeace and a speedboat said...

btw apart from the Happy Birthday, the vouchers are just Arrrrrrrrgghghghghghlelehehglgghghle!!

seriously. I can't even be lucid about them. they are so unbelievably awful.

Drewzel said...

I must shamefully admit, I'd love the coupon for "winning an argument"...I always give in.
Happy Birthday Laura, I'm yet another person born Dec 3. I just turned 36, so now 40 is breathing down my neck.
Hope your day was great! I ate LOTS of cake with pink cream.

sooz said...

When I was a student out there at the 'bush' campus I recall no such frivolity at the bookshop. Clearly times are tougher, or worse, or scarier. Certainly they've shifted somewhere not good.

Happy birthday and I have nothing original to say about that terrible book. Perhaps origami?

Susanne said...

How horrible!

So the wife is expected to put up with 'personal criticisms from [his] big mouth' every other day of the marriage bar that one?

And the assumption that the wife is going to be doing all the 'annoying chores' except for one because, well, she's the wife, is just awful, awful, awful.

The scariest part is that there must be someone out there- the author at least- who actually buys into this.

elaine said...

if you used one of the blank vouchers to ask for a divorce, would it only be valid for one (1) day?

This book is speachless-making.

Anonymous said...

Little Britain? Pish-tosh. "For My Lady" is obviously a Kel Knight thing.

The big hunk o'spunk.

Happy birthday for the 3rd, Laura!

Anonymous said...

Funny stuff. I love the comment about using the last page to have a coupon about divorce. Hilarious!

ferrous said...

i'm not sure which is funnier, the book itself, or the comments left here. lol! :-D