Luke says, "How do you know?
Darth says: "I. FELT. YOUR. PRESENTS."
This is probably a bit early for Northerners, but whatevz. OK: welcome to the longest post in the history of ever. Normally I'm not fond of Christmas but I'm trying not to be a sook about it this year. So I got presents for everyone I could think of and yours is (probably) somewhere in this badly formatted and teetering pile. Happy Christmas, yeah yeah yeah.
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Tony T. gets this thing you attach to the top of the sauce bottle. It's meant to keep the kitchen free of annoying and disgusting drips.
Adam 2.0 gets a lavish dinner for two in the Colonial Tramcar restaurant. (Well a cheesy photograph of it, anyway.)
Lucy Pig-Puppet, I don't know if these are your size, or if you'll like the colour, but they were on sale and I can't change them, so...
Ampersand Duck, 'King' Khan is on his way to your place, right now: expect strumming and moonlit serenades outside bedroom windows. Merry Christmas!
Armagnac for The Armaniac, in traditional blob-shaped bottle.
What do you give a problem like Barista? Far as I can see the man's got everything. Sigh. This crappy old yacht thing, then.
For Helen: this is the closest they had in
Books are a slightly lame present but this one was 10% off, only slightly shopsoiled, so here you go Ben.H.
Boris who sometimes comments here, I got you a kitten.
Miss Boynton, I hope you don't have this one already - someone's coloured in the comic strip about the fourth form hockey match.
For Mallrat, wherever s/he may be, this family-sized bucket of KFC popcorn Chicken which has been breathed upon by Anthony Callea.
Chuck, you need your own batteries for this - not sure whether it actually works.
Kind of a no-brainer for cfsmtb. I'm not sure what it does but it was clearly made with you in mind.
Zoe: a bobble-headed dashboard LBJ of your very own, compliments of the season!
Creativity/Machine gets a hand - beaded, crocheted iPod cosy, now with extra dragonflies! (I hope she has an iPod.)
Clancy: you're a hard girl to buy for, know that? I tried to get you Tom Clancy's head on a plate, but had to settle for a maple doughnut in the end.
Glen, I don't really know what kinds of thing you like, but I got this for you anyway.
RH gets a bottle of Old Spice.
Fluffster, I hope you can find a use for this (whatever it is.)
I got a hamper for the For Battle! crew. Hope there's enough to go around guys, and do you mind divvying up amongst yourselves? In the hamper, apart from the usual dried fruit, coffee beans, peach chutney, wine etc, you'll find:
a private medieval army
a baby panda
Gene Wilder, som e oompa-loompas, and a huge vat full of molten chocolate
one speedboat (yellow)
this happy friendly docile obedient builder type gentleman
A pair of pink and purple glitter streamers for attaching to the ends of bike handlebars
& a Spaceship.
Merry Christmas, people.
Jo from Freeway 9, here is a monkey puppet with your name written on it (name not visible in photograph.)
Galaxy: I really didn't know what you'd like, but as you seem to enjoy cooking and television, not to mention proving yourself the victorious champion of winning postgrad scholarships, you're getting Chairman Kaga.
Brownie, these two bengal kittens were the very nicest thing I saw on my shopping expedition, so they're yours. Along with three humungous cheers for being a top community member and all-round necessary blogging person. Hip hip, hooray!
This is a cat tiara, according to the strange people who sell these kinds of things over the Internet, and it's for Princess Prissy Paws, care of Another Outspoken Female.
Mel G, I hope this fits your idea of a dream house - I must say Google was fairly insistent on that point - and I hope the kitchen's big enough to cook up enormous sizzling batches of Theory on Sunday mornings.
For the rather frightening Black Wind, Fire and Steel, here is a Journalist Protection Kit.
The endless labyrinthine department department store of the internet is full of things you could give to Jellyfish. This time, she gets the cast of Fame! with bonus Irene Cara thrown in.
For jo(e), who's contending with woods full of snow, I got a view of the shimmering blue ocean:
Jonathan, this is for you. I need it out of my house, now. Whisper your instructions to it before filing job applications.
Ladycracker gets a romantic honeymoon in Hawaii. How will she stand it / I don't know.
The profoundly unimaginative gift of Missy H., pictured here lipsnigering as only Missy knows how:
Berets for everyone!
A Christmas EP, to be played over and over, really loudly, until it breaks.
The Devil Drink, fresh from the classy booze factories of South Australia:
Karl Popper, apparently somewhat the worse for wear after over-enthusiastic application of the previous two items...
Some smiling revolutionary infants, aren't they cute!
Francis Xavier Holden gets a lovely kipper tie, in both shades of brown.
Claire is getting this vintage Marimekko maxi-dress. It's nice and loose for the baby bump, and if she doesn't like it she can cut it up and make it into rollerskating elephants or something.
How can you achieve naked feminist knitting circle world domination without freaking the hell out of any weaselly lying little rodents who get in your way? I guess it's possible but I'm sure it's much more enjoyable in an evil pair of blue John Fluevog platform crusher boots. (Sorry Kate, they were all out of orange.)
Julie has been working so freaking hard lately I'm having a hard time understanding how she doesn't just collapse into a steaming shrieking puddle of overcaffienated plasma. Does sushi help, Julie?
Pavlov's Cat gets Johnny Depp dressed up as the Earl of Rochester. Sorry he's a bit blurry. I'd take him and get out of here now if I were you. Unwrapping your gift in front of the rest of us probably isn't that good of an idea either (Fall of Singapore, etc.)
Dear Phantom, UPS are bringing you a Swedish Chef who will cook pasta with red sauce, veggie pizzas, and anything else you guys want, while you all snuggle on the couch and watch
Elaine, I don't think this book has too much in it about pirates, but hey! Happy Christmas!
Susoz, have you got room for a trampoline at your place? Sure hope so...
Ray gets this Collector's Edition of Franklin Mint's Hans Christian Andersen plates, nice huh? Each plate individually numbered.
Dr. Henrik Ziegler, another one who's a little bit frightening, I got you a silver bodyshirt hand-embroidered with the original Star Wars characters. One size fits all, apparently. It's lycra.
For olfactory travel memories on demand, a year's supply of durian for Tiffany (actually that photo appears to contain a lifetime's supply of durian, but as long as you take it all, & take it far away, I'm not quibbling.)
This old book is for Scribblingwoman: it was the newest copy they had in the bookstore. Sorry it's so tatty and crap-looking.
David: soooo hard to buy for, you wouldn't believe. In the end I just grabbed this pioneer wagon & took it to the wrapping counter. (Comes with instructions.)
While I was at Franklin Mint I saw this and instantly thought of Jac, Happy Christmas Jac!
Tim and Jon at Sterne blog about things in the world that passeth human understanding, and I don't understand why there is an Elvis flick-knife, so I'm giving it to them. Hopefully they will fight over it, and hopefully there will be blood shed.
Pao Yi, I got you a karaoke machine, top of the range, swedish speakers and all, plus bonus Meatloaf karaoke CD!
Katy, here's some smooth Gainsbourgian sounds to enhance the next bedroom disco. Love to the kitties.
Even though there are two symposiasts I only got them one gift (russian submarine) - is that wrong? Maybe one could look after the actual sub while the other deals with the submariners.
Momo would undoubtedly look like a spunkrat dressed in a pair of curtains, so imagine her in vintage Mary Quant. Wooo Hooo.
Rob, here is a purple helicopter, Seasons Greetings!
For Kent, wherever he is, I got Thor Heyerdahl's Kontiki raft. (On sale.)
Massive box of Haigh's chocolate frogs for mademoiselle elsewhere. Actual size of box: four feet tall.
A Wild Young Under-Whimsy: It's A NEW CAR!!!!!!
Genevieve, you are booked into a spa for a day of massages and aromatherapy and facials and mineral springs baths - the complete pamper / relax / recharge batteries deal. Merry Christmas.
Dogpossum: if she doesn't want these, I'll have them. Just sayin'
Well the imaginary Yuletide largesse would not be complete without a box of wrapped-up all-purpose gifts for people who turn up unexpectedly: so if you haven't got anything so far, or if you hate what I picked out for you, help yourself to one of these:
Assorted generic bogans making merry
Inspirational 'Jesus is My Coach' figurine
A shitload of Dim Sims
Generic fluffy baby puppydog.
Merry Christmas, everybody!
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