Wednesday, 21 December 2005

So, Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are sitting under the Christmas tree....

...and Darth says to Luke, "I. KNOW. WHAT YOU'RE. GETTING. FOR. CHRISTMAS." (works best if you put your hands over your mouth and deep breathe while you say it)

Luke says, "How do you know?

Darth says: "I. FELT. YOUR. PRESENTS."

This is probably a bit early for Northerners, but whatevz. OK: welcome to the longest post in the history of ever. Normally I'm not fond of Christmas but I'm trying not to be a sook about it this year. So I got presents for everyone I could think of and yours is (probably) somewhere in this badly formatted and teetering pile. Happy Christmas, yeah yeah yeah.

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Tony T. gets this thing you attach to the top of the sauce bottle. It's meant to keep the kitchen free of annoying and disgusting drips.

Adam 2.0 gets a lavish dinner for two in the Colonial Tramcar restaurant. (Well a cheesy photograph of it, anyway.)

Lucy Pig-Puppet, I don't know if these are your size, or if you'll like the colour, but they were on sale and I can't change them, so...

Ampersand Duck, 'King' Khan is on his way to your place, right now: expect strumming and moonlit serenades outside bedroom windows. Merry Christmas!

Armagnac for The Armaniac, in traditional blob-shaped bottle.

What do you give a problem like Barista? Far as I can see the man's got everything. Sigh. This crappy old yacht thing, then.

For Helen: this is the closest they had in Google Images the super expensive boutique nursery to a potted flame tree. It might look pretty on the balcony.

Books are a slightly lame present but this one was 10% off, only slightly shopsoiled, so here you go Ben.H.

Boris who sometimes comments here, I got you a kitten.

Miss Boynton, I hope you don't have this one already - someone's coloured in the comic strip about the fourth form hockey match.

For Mallrat, wherever s/he may be, this family-sized bucket of KFC popcorn Chicken which has been breathed upon by Anthony Callea.

Chuck, you need your own batteries for this - not sure whether it actually works.

Kind of a no-brainer for cfsmtb. I'm not sure what it does but it was clearly made with you in mind.

Zoe: a bobble-headed dashboard LBJ of your very own, compliments of the season!

Creativity/Machine gets a hand - beaded, crocheted iPod cosy, now with extra dragonflies! (I hope she has an iPod.)

Clancy: you're a hard girl to buy for, know that? I tried to get you Tom Clancy's head on a plate, but had to settle for a maple doughnut in the end.

Glen, I don't really know what kinds of thing you like, but I got this for you anyway.

RH gets a bottle of Old Spice.

Amanda, enjoy.

Fluffster, I hope you can find a use for this (whatever it is.)

I got a hamper for the For Battle! crew. Hope there's enough to go around guys, and do you mind divvying up amongst yourselves? In the hamper, apart from the usual dried fruit, coffee beans, peach chutney, wine etc, you'll find:

a private medieval army

a baby panda

Gene Wilder, som e oompa-loompas, and a huge vat full of molten chocolate

one speedboat (yellow)

Colin Firth

this happy friendly docile obedient builder type gentleman

A pair of pink and purple glitter streamers for attaching to the ends of bike handlebars

& a Spaceship.

Merry Christmas, people.

Jo from Freeway 9, here is a monkey puppet with your name written on it (name not visible in photograph.)

Galaxy: I really didn't know what you'd like, but as you seem to enjoy cooking and television, not to mention proving yourself the victorious champion of winning postgrad scholarships, you're getting Chairman Kaga.

Brownie, these two bengal kittens were the very nicest thing I saw on my shopping expedition, so they're yours. Along with three humungous cheers for being a top community member and all-round necessary blogging person. Hip hip, hooray!

This is a cat tiara, according to the strange people who sell these kinds of things over the Internet, and it's for Princess Prissy Paws, care of Another Outspoken Female.

Mel G, I hope this fits your idea of a dream house - I must say Google was fairly insistent on that point - and I hope the kitchen's big enough to cook up enormous sizzling batches of Theory on Sunday mornings.

For the rather frightening Black Wind, Fire and Steel, here is a Journalist Protection Kit.

The endless labyrinthine department department store of the internet is full of things you could give to Jellyfish. This time, she gets the cast of Fame! with bonus Irene Cara thrown in.

For jo(e), who's contending with woods full of snow, I got a view of the shimmering blue ocean:

Jonathan, this is for you. I need it out of my house, now. Whisper your instructions to it before filing job applications.

Ladycracker gets a romantic honeymoon in Hawaii. How will she stand it / I don't know.

The kids comrades at LP get a hamper too. (Almost wrote "hamster" there, but no, those things are different.) Mucho chocolate, pizza, Lions Club Chrissy Cake, plus:

The profoundly unimaginative gift of Missy H., pictured here lipsnigering as only Missy knows how:

Berets for everyone!

A Christmas EP, to be played over and over, really loudly, until it breaks.

The Devil Drink, fresh from the classy booze factories of South Australia:

Karl Popper, apparently somewhat the worse for wear after over-enthusiastic application of the previous two items...

Some smiling revolutionary infants, aren't they cute!

Francis Xavier Holden gets a lovely kipper tie, in both shades of brown.

Claire is getting this vintage Marimekko maxi-dress. It's nice and loose for the baby bump, and if she doesn't like it she can cut it up and make it into rollerskating elephants or something.

How can you achieve naked feminist knitting circle world domination without freaking the hell out of any weaselly lying little rodents who get in your way? I guess it's possible but I'm sure it's much more enjoyable in an evil pair of blue John Fluevog platform crusher boots. (Sorry Kate, they were all out of orange.)

Julie has been working so freaking hard lately I'm having a hard time understanding how she doesn't just collapse into a steaming shrieking puddle of overcaffienated plasma. Does sushi help, Julie?

Pavlov's Cat gets Johnny Depp dressed up as the Earl of Rochester. Sorry he's a bit blurry. I'd take him and get out of here now if I were you. Unwrapping your gift in front of the rest of us probably isn't that good of an idea either (Fall of Singapore, etc.)

Dear Phantom, UPS are bringing you a Swedish Chef who will cook pasta with red sauce, veggie pizzas, and anything else you guys want, while you all snuggle on the couch and watch Dragon Tales Thomas the Frickin' Tank Engine Holiday Special: The Fat Controller Gets It In The Throat. Have a good one!

Elaine, I don't think this book has too much in it about pirates, but hey! Happy Christmas!

Susoz, have you got room for a trampoline at your place? Sure hope so...

Ray gets this Collector's Edition of Franklin Mint's Hans Christian Andersen plates, nice huh? Each plate individually numbered.

Dr. Henrik Ziegler, another one who's a little bit frightening, I got you a silver bodyshirt hand-embroidered with the original Star Wars characters. One size fits all, apparently. It's lycra.

For olfactory travel memories on demand, a year's supply of durian for Tiffany (actually that photo appears to contain a lifetime's supply of durian, but as long as you take it all, & take it far away, I'm not quibbling.)

This old book is for Scribblingwoman: it was the newest copy they had in the bookstore. Sorry it's so tatty and crap-looking.

David: soooo hard to buy for, you wouldn't believe. In the end I just grabbed this pioneer wagon & took it to the wrapping counter. (Comes with instructions.)

While I was at Franklin Mint I saw this and instantly thought of Jac, Happy Christmas Jac!

Tim and Jon at Sterne blog about things in the world that passeth human understanding, and I don't understand why there is an Elvis flick-knife, so I'm giving it to them. Hopefully they will fight over it, and hopefully there will be blood shed.

Pao Yi, I got you a karaoke machine, top of the range, swedish speakers and all, plus bonus Meatloaf karaoke CD!

Katy, here's some smooth Gainsbourgian sounds to enhance the next bedroom disco. Love to the kitties.

Even though there are two symposiasts I only got them one gift (russian submarine) - is that wrong? Maybe one could look after the actual sub while the other deals with the submariners.

Momo would undoubtedly look like a spunkrat dressed in a pair of curtains, so imagine her in vintage Mary Quant. Wooo Hooo.

Rob, here is a purple helicopter, Seasons Greetings!

For Kent, wherever he is, I got Thor Heyerdahl's Kontiki raft. (On sale.)

Massive box of Haigh's chocolate frogs for mademoiselle elsewhere. Actual size of box: four feet tall.

A Wild Young Under-Whimsy: It's A NEW CAR!!!!!!

Genevieve, you are booked into a spa for a day of massages and aromatherapy and facials and mineral springs baths - the complete pamper / relax / recharge batteries deal. Merry Christmas.

Dogpossum: if she doesn't want these, I'll have them. Just sayin'


Well the imaginary Yuletide largesse would not be complete without a box of wrapped-up all-purpose gifts for people who turn up unexpectedly: so if you haven't got anything so far, or if you hate what I picked out for you, help yourself to one of these:

Assorted generic bogans making merry

Inspirational 'Jesus is My Coach' figurine

A shitload of Dim Sims

Generic fluffy baby puppydog.

Merry Christmas, everybody!

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Rob Manderson said...

I didn't make an individual mention this year but now I have a goal :-) I'll settle for a shitload of dimmys but please please please can they be steamed and not fried!

Rob :-)

PS: I'm more than happy with the link to my blog so please don't think I'm ungrateful :-)

Lucy Tartan said...

ooohh nooo! First stuff-up!
The purple helicopter is for you Rob. I got mixed up with another Rob from Larvatus Prodeo and called you Paul, who also belongs at Larvatus Prodeo. Sorry, mate.

Links are free, no need to thank me for it!

Zoe said...

*squeals with happiness*
*sighs with pleasure*

*bobbles Lyndon's head* heh
*bobbles Lyndon's head* heh

*bobbles Lyndon's head* heh

thank you so very much! I have a present for you as it happens, but it will be coming after Christmas. Have a triffic break.

jacqueline said...

It's DIANA! She's the people's princess you know. Much like Oprah.

Tim said...

Cheers for the Elvis flick knife. I was in the mood for some random acts of cuttin'-people-with-a-stylised-image-of-a-popular-icon.

Another Outspoken Female said...

Princess Prissy Paws says thank you and currently is attmepting to swap it on ebay for a can of salmon. Ungrateful wench!

Have a good summer solstice. The wondrous blue messenger is getting a lot of praise from friends and strangers.

Pavlov's Cat said...

I got Johnny!! I got Johnny!!

I won't unwrap him till I get him to the tropical island. We'll pack the Jack Sparrow outfit, too, I think.

Forever in your debt.

Claire said...

oooo I love my maxi dress... there will be no cutting or transforming into elephants. delish.

MC said...

Wow! I am humbled by such an amazing present!!! This post is amazing. You are such a perceptive and thoughtful person Laura. Thanks for regularly reaffirming my hopes about blogging throughout 2005, and for making my Christmas a whole lot merrier.

Galaxy said...

Chairman Kaga was an inspired choice for me. Thank you. I will be very happy if he starts to fly in exotic ingredients from around the globe for me to cook with. And if he says a little homily on the presentation of each I just might squeal with delight. I will have to have a stern word with him about using the same tailor as Michael Jackson though...

Merry Xmas and Happy New Year. It's been fun getting to know you via your blog. (Keep up the pictures of Basil; I like to hear about his antics.)

cfsmtb said...

Woo hoo! A fat cat with psychedelic disc wheelset. I'm deeply impressed.

BTW, we have plenty o' Irish Drinking Songs for Cat Lovers over cileo. Drink up & share the chrissie cheer! dgknnh!

Glen Fuller said...

sweet! death race 2000?

I am touched. [deleted bad joke: GF]

remember, an animal-car corvette is not just for christmas, but for the rest of the nuclear winter.

R H said...

I beg your pardon, but I never use any sort of smelly stuff, I consider it un-manly.
Yes, and effeminate too.
I'll take the Mini instead, if that's all right. Because girls don't like old bombs, and I've got big plans for this summer. I'm going to cruise Chapel Street and pick up some nice lookers.
Send me the Mini and I'll let you know how I get on. Full report.
And yes, you may publish it.

R H said...

This was a funny posting Miss Laura (including Mr Darcy trying to look like Colin Firth). Good work.

Tiffany said...

Laura, you are such a star! The durian is gratefully received - already I'm thinking: durian bikkies, durian cake, durian ice-cream, durian what-not ...

Have a fabulous Xmas and New Year!

R H said...

Give that Mary Quant thing to Miss Brownie.
It is so much her.

elsewhere said...

Thanks, that's an awesome post. And I do need a box of chocolate frogs at least 4 feet high!

Genevieve said...

Aaah, Laura, you're clairvoyant as the Magi - massages and sundry aromas are EXACTLY what I need.What a wonderful post. Have yourself a very merry, large, fruit, nut, brandy and chocolate-filled Christmas, and very best wishes to yourself, Dorian and Baz for the New Year. What a lovely Netpresent for everyone!!!

JM said...

sushi! awesome! thank you! it's just what I always wanted!

ps I netflixed Tommy the other day, purely because of you.

Phantom Scribbler said...

(Squealing with delight!)

My very own Swedish chef! It's just what I've always wanted! We won't even need to watch TtFTE anymore -- the kids will delight in watching the Swedish chef be chased by the members of the Lobster Liberation Front.

Seriously, you are the bestest. Thank you for brightening up this dark day!

A very merry beach day to you, and the happiest of new years, from your most devoted State-side fan.

duhpwts -- not the brightest captcha in the firmament.

Scrivener said...

Oh, how wonderful! And a conestoga wagon for me? How thoughtful--now I can take the girls on a trip to reenact the passage of settlers on the Oregon Trail.

Seriously, this is such a cool collection of presents. It must have taken you forever, too. How thoughtful and kind of you.

(On my list for this holiday season, btw, is to finally send you the remarks I owe you on that package you sent me waaaaaaaaaay back in September.)

Jonathan said...

Pazuzu is Lieutenant General in the War on Christmas, you know.

Lucy said...

Pink docs for me? really?
*bounces with glee*

Thank you so much! You're awesome and so are they :) Maybe the pink will help with the cognitive dissonance people usually get seeing supposedly-sweet lil innocent me wearing clunky boots.

Have a great Christmas/New Year etc and enjoy some sunshine and stone fruits for me!

Etienne Canard said...

You really are an extraordinarily delightful human being.

Merry Christmas, Laura.

chuck said...

Lucy, perhaps I can use my gift to skip past MLA (or at least to avoid holiday traffic)!

What a fantastic gift. And, yes, I think I do have the right batteries!

Ray Davis said...

This is the bestest exmuss ever!!!!

Cozalcoatl said...

Awesome ;)
Thank you
You picked the ForBattlers perfectly
Dibs on Colin Firth and Serenity

Kate said...

As it happens, cobalt blue is my second favourite colour after orange, so we're in luck! The perfect shoes for world domination!

Have a wonderful day of secular humanist feminist atheist giving Laura!

DestructoMeg said...

Fight you for 'em Cozzie!

What a fab post :) Thanx

boynton said...

Gosh - what a thrilling post, Laura!

I know that cover well. I almost fell upon its double once at a picnic ground in the Strzeleckis, but alas, did not have my kettle with me.

It's hard to get a book where the crossword has been left untouched.
But unless the cover has been marked with biro - (like the ballerina in 1956 who has been given some bic specs) I consider the book pristine.

Many thanks, and congrats on such an amazing post.

The Devil Drink said...

Flagons. Oh man, have I missed those! It's been so long since the days when every pub had a rack of them, hinged above the bar to pour middies of sweet sherry for the 10am shakies. They were nearly as good as those jugs of cider I used to arrange for the Appalachian mountain drunks, mmmmm.
Four litre casks of white are a nice ritual observation of the 'enormous flagon' tradition---great for the kiddies just going into high school---but flagons were absolutely the shit.
I'll even forgive you for observing Christmas for that.

R H said...

I remember 'wine saloons' here. Real low dives. They had batwing doors, and you'd always take care going past because some airborne drunk might come flying out.

It's funny to see the shakes mentioned. It's a funny word. To me, anyway. I've seen some bad cases.

A bloke I knew had the shakes so bad one morning he couldn't fill out his dole form. So he went up the road. A quick drink, then back to the CES. No trouble at all.

(The man who loved Christmas)

Amanda said...

Moe Brandy!

Yikes, him and a fifth of something cheap and you got yourself a good night.

Liam said...

Berets for everyone, hallelujah. It's been a long time coming but society's finally coming around to the truth: people just aren't wearing enough hats.
I recommend the 'Super Luxury' type, with the lining for cold nights and rain.

Liam said...

NB. I have no shares in or relationship with any hatmaking company, jeez, I wish

worldpeace_and_aspeedboat said...

wow! thanks so much Laura! once we have Serenity in perfect order, well, close-to perfect, we'll take you for a joyride.

speaking of joyrides, Cozling, there's gunna be a hell of a bitch-fight over Firthy. either we draw straws or there'll be catscratches and chunks of hair missing all over... ;)

dibs on the handlebar streamers, if only because you all know I've got the dragster they go with.

and ps - Laura - I have that Girls Crystal 1959! started collecting them to add to my mum's. they are so fab. and yes, I do read them...

have a safe and wonderful yoolseason. hope everyone stuffs themselves into a stupor and gets a cramp in the pool after not listening to mum telling you to wait half an hour.

Tony.T said...

Ooo - saucy.

Just imagine the gunk congealed between the bristles.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the kitten, Laura. We have three cats but there's always room for one more. On another Xmasy note, my wife's a Who fan and I've been inspired to get her the Tommy DVD. AND I can discuss the movie's symbolism with her, at least up to the 'How can he be saved' scene.


jo(e) said...

A view of the ocean! What a great gift! Thanks.

This was such a wonderful post -- fun to read through.

Dr Henrik Ziegler said...

Wow! I get a present? Awesome.

I'd get you something but I spent all my imaginary money on imaginary decadence (and a West-African Manitee).

I might have to frame the lycra top thing rather than wear it, though, purely for fear that an expedition to The Local #2 (aka barload of uni students and strange hallucinations) expecting to exude The Hot/Attractive-ness would instead end up with me looking like this guy.

But thankyou, it'll go well next to my signed 1978 Ashes Tour memorabilia and Franklin Mint figurines of Famous Executions.

Just a quick aside, I surely can't be scary compared to that rather alarming tiny puppy. I mean, yeah, it's small and fluffy, but it's clearly planning mass-murder or at the very least the sinking of a hovercraft.

Ben.H said...

Thanks for the bonza prezzie. I am wearing a beret while I cut out the photo of the book and stick it to a picture of a Billy bookcase in an Ikea catalogue.

Also, I've just noticed that your old blog comments have automatically updated to your new nom de blog, so everyone looks like they have some kind of very specific aphasia when they call you Laura.


dogpossum said...

thankyou, laura!

they are certainly dancing shoes, and i will be the dancing queen in them this season. though, of course, i'm happy to let you keep them if it means seeing you workin' it on the dance floor!

merry christmas and happy new year!

naomi said...

Lovely presents Laura - thanks for the LP hamper. But you'll have to get Ducky something else because I'll be in her house on Christmas morning, so King Khan is mine, mine, mine!!

(or you can send King Khan to Kyogle).

LadyCracker said...

oooh thanks, my tan already looks very nice


PaoYi said...

SCORE!! Thanks Laura, this karaoke machine is gonna propel me right to the top of Australian Idol - and I can release my very own badly-produced-half-assed-poorly-written album of my very own... and embrace the Australian Dream of becoming a big ol' one hit wonder.
Look out for me at the Opera House next year - I'll be covering a Meatloaf classic...

Helen said...

Thanks for the wonderful present Laura... Planting it on my blog very soon...

*Sings loudly and off key*: Whoa, the flaaaaaame trees will bliiii-iiiind a weary driiiiiiiver...

Oh, why do you encourage me? And can we all spend New Years eve on Barista's yacht?

Have a lovely, safe and happy Christmas Laura, and keep that first-class bloggin' happening in the new year.

Jellyfish said...

Woo hoo! Oh, wow. I can't wait to make them sing and dance.

*opens packet*

*pokes Paul McCrane*


'Is it okay if I call you mine, ooh hoo, just for a tiiiiime...'


Clancy said...

Oooooh, I love my doughnut! Maple is my all-time favorite. I'm coveting some of those other gifts, too -- the blue boots, the sushi, Chairman Kaga, etc.

Miriam Jones said...

The Female Quixote! One of my favourites. She is such a role model until she becomes sensible and settles for the reasonable suitor instead of holding out for Sir Lancelot.

Thank you! And happy solstice.

elaine said...

ooh! Scottie McMullett! Thank you, I feel v. special.

R H said...

Fifty comments. I'm starting to worry. This could beat the 30,000 I got for Have Laptop Will Travel. Yes, well maybe I'd better add a few more to it. Five or ten thousand. Just to be sure. Because I'll tell you, there's no way I'm going to be beaten by this little maid. Or any other. They're only women. That's all. Needing to be taught a thing or two. Don't talk back, that's the main thing. And don't talk when I'm talking. Yes. Romantic friction.
It never ends.

Brownie said...

Dear Miss SASB - my thanks to you for the continual joy and edification I receive from your blog; and for your Saggitarian birthday may I virtually present you with the Woods Beryl Ware Butter Dish piled high with Bendicks famous Bitter Dark Chocolate, your own key to The State Library, the mice Tailors Of Gloucester to work on your bags while you read there, a Fortuny Delphos gown, your favourite of all the works of Sidney Nolan, a machine to sift all the Baz hair out of the air in your house, the Guinnes Book Of Records 'Longest Lived Cat' record for Baz, and, The Confidence To Do The Novel. Your Novel would be more novel than any other. May 2006 bring your every dream. xxx

and PS rh was so right about me and Mary Quant, and you were spot-on with the Bengal babies - I had to be dragged away from the tigers at Dreamworld on holiday last year.

Agent FareEvader said...

Thankyou so much! How did you manage to get tickets on it? The waiting list is three months!

Kent said...

Why thankyou! Hope you had a merry Christmas.

Anonymous said...

Ms Aphasia,

you are really something. What a great gesture!

Thank you for thinking I have everything. The truth is, you do. You've even got the perfect friday thing.

Isn't this blogging thang so fine?

- barista

vanx said...

The Bobblehead Johnson was to 1966 what the Cabbabe Patch Kid was to 1982. How did you get your mits on one in the original package?

Armaniac said...

Oh my... aren't YOU a sweetie!



*sound of a finger of France's finest being poured*



Ahhh.... the slow burn down the throat.

Merry Christmas to you too, aceness!

For you:

Big kiss on the cheek.
Katherine Hamnet tartan skirt auctioned at Sotherby's.
A glass of my Armagnac.
Copy of Houellebecq's latest.
Year's supply of fresh salmon for your puddahs.


FXH said...

er thanks for the tie. I think. I'm guessing it's ok to swap with others?

Anyway it's the thought that counts so they say. I hope so, 'cos so far I've only just thought about a present for you.

Susoz said...

Hi, many thanks but I'm afraid we only have a patio garden which a trampoline would not fit into, even though the child would love one. And we already have one of those mini-trampolines which I inherited. But it's the thought that counts and is much appreciated.

Jo said...

Thanks Laura! Just what I've always wanted. Hope you had a lovely Christmas.

Ampersand Duck said...

Oh, you clever girl! What a top post!

Naomi may have been in my house, but 'King' Khan was travelling with me, all the way there and back! And such a good grip on the guitar neck too... mmmm.....

Anonymous said...

Now that you have won the best post award, which you richly deserve, you will get a peak in your figures which probably tells you pretty well how many people voted for the awards. With some underage because some people have read it before, moving their lips and rocking back and forth with joy.

- barista

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