Wednesday, 24 May 2006

Sin Week

I was looking for a singlet in my chest of drawers this morning and opened a drawer that obviously hadn't been opened for about ten days, because nestled in amongst my clothes there was a mangy stinky dead sparrow. I can date the inception of its entombment this precisely because it coincides with the afternoon I got home and found the floor of the whole house strewn with little grey feathers and one or two clinging to the whiskers of an evil bastard cat fast asleep on the corner of the couch. At the time I searched everywhere I thought might possibly conceal an avian corpse but concluded that he must have either eaten it all or dragged it outside again. Drawing on my CSI knowledge I deduce he jumped on top of the chest and dropped the bird into a lower drawer that was open a tiny bit. What a bastard. If I believed in the collective unconscious & racial memory etc I would think this was payback for 1984 when Frankie spent a day shut in a drawer in my brother's bedroom while he went off to kinder for the first time (the plan there was that nobody else could play with her while he was absent.) The silly thing pooed on herself, and all over Eric's clothes. I wonder what happened to that chest of drawers? The drawer out of mine has been removed for airing and all the clothes are right now running through the longest wash cycle. Ironically Basil received a lovely present yesterday from Brownie, and had an undeservedly nice afternoon playing with it, I was going to post a photo but now I will have to punish him for a while. No attention! No playing! No pats!

The other big sin of late happened on Monday afternoon when by a series of unfortunate events Dorian & I went to see The Da Vinci Code. Now honestly, how dumb do those people look who bang on about how degenerate/blasphemous/pretentious/awful some movie or other is, but it turns out they haven't actually been to see it themselves? We cannot have that now. Also, Dorian had to take a day off work with a hurt back and was insane with boredom. And also as well, I do after all research film adaptation and this regrettable production is one of those. I suppose I may as well take this opportunity to confirm for you the badness of the film. It is not only shite, but dull shite. God, soooo boring. Long, boring conversations about the Emperor Constantine and Rose lines and Fibonacci numbers. Nobody bloody cares about that! I actually had a little sleep in the middle (at Northland Hoyts you can flip up the armrests and lie down full length across the seats like you're on an empty areoplane; there were less than ten people in our session) and I missed the part where Hollywood ham Tom Hanks fondly reminisces about his traumatic childhood falling-down-well experiences.

At least I can confirm that the ridiculousness of the dialogue is not lessened when recorded on film and spoken by competent actors. I was rather saddened really to learn highly watchable character actor Alfred Molina had prostituted himself by participating in this parade of stupidity. Comedy Frenchman Jean Reno, playing Opus Dei member and Police Chief Bezu Fache, missed several golden opportunities for nodding upwards with his broad chin. Stick insect and comedy Frenchwoman Audrey Tatou seemed to be sleepwalking. Things brightened up temporarily when Shakespeherian Ragger and masterful scenery-chewer Ian McKellen appeared, but, my friends, McKellen is wasted in this film.

Although hulking Englishman Paul Bethany had been given disappointing and puzzling pale blue contact lenses instead of pink ones (why have an albino if you aren't going to do it properly?) the scenes where he flogged himself in the nude, tied barbed wire to his legs, pistolwhipped nuns, beat up Jesuits and shot cops were far and away the most entertaining. Inside this three-hour-long piece of shit there is a decent exploitation movie begging to be set free. Coming soon to a straight-to-video outlet near you: Die Hard 6: the Pallid Franciscan.

19 comments:

Ampersand Duck said...

Ha! Good. Now when I skulk into Hoyts Belconnen to see it I'll have fond thoughts of you reclining across the seats and dozing.

You've also brought up my latest sorrow: excellent French actors selling their credibility by appearing in shite American movies. What is happening? Are they really that desperate? Jean Reno, what the hell were you doing in 'The Pink Panther'? It broke my heart, and I'll probably come out of DVC feeling the same way about Audrey. Sigh.

R H said...

Dear priests Christ-haters and Catholics! (ha ha ha)

-Dear Laura, I'm taking off, leaving all this for good. I'm tired of it. But thanks for your postings, and all your beautiful photographs. And I wish you tremendous joy. And tremendous happiness. Truly. Your blog is one of the best ever. I've always said that, and you know it.

Bye now,
Robert.

R H said...

One last thing, yesterday in Kmart I looked through the Da Vinci book, and found it unreadable. I don't know how anyone could write a boring thing like that.
Well I guess they'd have to be boring themselves.

You were never that way. Not to me.

Robert.
(On topic)

Mel said...

I think you should pitch that monksploitation movie. It could have Enigma on the soundtrack as the pasty antiheroes go about their business.

Kate said...

I'd pay to see the monksploitation flick, so long as it had a wicked soundtrack. I don't think gregorian chants would cut it.

elsewhere said...

What a clever cat! I came home to the corpse of a gecko in the living room yesterday, about which I was not entirely pleased).

Crap -- I was looking forward to some at least laughable entertainment with the DV Code, which is of course screening in Alice, a magnet for all shite cinema.

Ron said...

My two Jack Russells burrowed under the fence a few weeks ago and brought me two very dead pet chickens for a present. My neighbours haven't spoken to me since but have replaced the chickens. I am wearing out the lawn with all the trips to make sure my dogs haven't developed a taste for chicken (I don't mean to make it sound as though it's a laughing matter because, clearly, it isn't.)

I feel asleep last week for few minutes during Capote. I just hope I didn't snore.

Another Outspoken Female said...

How honoured you must be that Baz left you an offering of love, thoughtfully nestled amongst your most intimate aparrel. What a star. Of course he showed both skill and wisdom by using his hunting talents for good, not evil, by killing a nonindigenous bird. A pest really.

Our childhood cat had kittens in my brother's drawers. Must be something comforting about a human smell? Or just good padding.

JahTeh said...

Please tell, if the movie was crap, were the locations okay? If not I'm using my gold class to see X-men. You can tell I'm a real movie connasewer.

Lucy Tartan said...

Hi JahTeh. Yeah, they were okay. I remebered you mentioned the places before on another post and I thought of you during the movie. They were quite nice but you don't get to see that much of them. There's always something going on and the camer a mostly focuses in on the action. The French churches were really nice though. Hope that helps.

The trailers for X-Men 3 look pretty good.

Val said...

The armrests flip up?? I didn't know that. Still, a rather pricy place for a snooze.

Anonymous said...

Speaking of the Da Vinci Code, the other day I was in the supermarket and hanging next to the green recycleable shopping bags were similar bags, but instead of being green, were printed with the Mona Lisa and the movie logo. Will it ever stop?
For shame!

Drewzel

Lucy Tartan said...

Yes Val, and one can't offset the expensiveness of the nap by sneaking into another film, because all adjacent cinemas were showing the same movie.

Drewzel, is nothing sacred? Maybe I should whip up a coupla Da VInci Code sickbags to sell on ebay.

Drewzel said...

And you know me, I'd probably buy them!

Kate said...

Yeah, I'm going to see X-Men 3 this weekend meself.

If you get along to the new Australian flick 'Candy', Laura, I'd be interested to see what you think. (It's also an adaptation if you need more of an excuse.) I've half-written a review for it but I feel a tad ambivalent and I don't think a review should start with "I'm not sure if I liked this film or not." I saw it a few weeks back and Neil Armfield and Luke Davies gave a bit of a talk about it after the screening, which was interesting. Anyway, I've rabbitted on enough...

Mindy said...

I guess Dorian now knows that there are worse things than boredom? I suspect that DVC could become something of a cult movie for it's sheer badness. Like watching Falco with Brian um (Thingamy Aussie actor also in Cocktail) because it is just so bad it's entertaining. Brown! Brian Brown. Only Ancient Roman with an Australian accent.

worldpeace_and_aspeedboat said...

hmmm, Paul Bethany flogging himself... it's tempting, but I still don't quite think it'll be worth the money...

Brownie said...

do you think Mel Gibson gave OpusDei that truckload of money he made out of ThePassion ofThe Christ?

Lucy Tartan said...

no, do you? I think he probably spent it on facials and ski trips and that kind of thing.